Anyone who has a cellular phone has heard the statement,” can you hear me now” at one time or another. If you have a good cell phone provider then you were probably not the one saying it, but you have definitely heard it said to you in the past. When you are on the phone with someone and there is a bad connection it can be really frustrating. After multiple attempts at trying to hear what the other person is saying, out of exhaustion you finally say,” I’ll call you later.”
In our marriage sometimes we can have a bad connection while trying to communicate with each other. It can be very frustrating when we are expressing our feelings to our spouse and they interpret them to mean something entirely different then what we were intending for it to mean. What can we do when frustration arises due to miscommunication in our marriage? It is not as simple as saying” I’ll call you later,” because we are not talking on the phone. However, we can suggest that we talk more about the topic later on once we have both calmed down.
Making the suggestion to take a break from a heated conversation can only help our marriage. There is nothing wrong with being angry, a problem only exist when we act on behalf of our anger. It is best that we hold our tongue until we are calm down, otherwise we will find ourselves saying things that we will have to apologize for later. It is very important that we ALWAYS come back to that topic before we go to bed. I know no one wants to initiate conflict but a conflict can only be resolved if we deal with it. It is important for us to discuss it the same day it happens so that we do not store up angry toward our spouse. It is also important because God instructs us to deal with our conflict daily. The bible says in Ephesians 4:26, ” In your anger do not sin”[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,“
Since God instructs us to deal with conflict daily, we have to learn how to manage our anger. Here are 4 tips for improving the communication in your marriage.
1. Stop Talking- If you find yourself in a situation where you and your spouse are arguing and nothing is being accomplished, stop talking. Let your spouse express their feelings first. If you stop talking your spouse will not have anything to respond to and the argument will be over. Have you ever heard of the saying, ” It is hard to argue by yourself?” Well, this is a true statement. Your silence will cause them to focus on their feelings and why they are upset instead of feeling compelled to defend themselves.
2. Listen- I know this sounds easy but when emotions are flying it is actually quite hard to do. Truly open your ears and heart to receive your spouse’s feelings, because everyone’s feelings are important. Take the time to find out what has your spouse so upset. Remind yourself that if you listen now! You will not have the same argument at a later date.
3. Respond- Now that your spouse is done telling you how they feel, it is time for you to respond. How you respond is important. Most of us do not realize the power of our words within our Christian marriage. The way you respond will either create a loving environment or continue the dissension between the two of you. It is important that you express to your spouse that you were listening while they were talking. Here is the easy way to demonstrate that you were listening, repeat back to them what you got out of what they said to you. Begin by saying, ” This is what I heard you say.” So often this is where our communication breaks down, “what I actually said, versus what you thought I was saying.” After you express what you heard, this will give your spouse a chance to clear up any miscommunication.
4. Express Your Feelings– By now the confusion may be cleared up, but either way you still must express what made you angry, so that your feelings are being heard as well. Now that you have shown your spouse that their feelings are important to you, they will be more receptive to hearing your feelings. The atmosphere will be more of wanting to understand instead of trying to defend. Now instead of shouting your feelings you can calmly express how you felt, in a more peaceful setting, making it easier for you to be understood.
Challenge: Practice makes perfect! Practice using the four tips above at a time when you are not angry. If you practice the tips when you are not angry, it will become second nature during an argument.
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